Every morning I get up to work out. I enjoy it, it makes me feel better and look better. I am unquestionably middle age and I don’t hide it. I remember gaining a lot of weight when I quit smoking and I had taken ill. The harsh reality I had connected myself to certain people, places and just stuff and God allowed me to make some conscious decisions to make some serious lifestyle changes spiritually, physically, and emotionally.
One of my family members had stolen a lot of money from me that my mom left me. I was in college struggling ever since of word with a part-time job! No one cared about what I had been going through, as long as I was always seemingly getting the bottom of everything. My family on both sides has some serious issues which they fail to address.
One person, had the courage to tell me the truth about what I blatantly ignored. for so many years. When she told me that I was different, I look and act different and that an issue of insecurity and jealousy was truly the bottom line with the women folks in my life. I was stunned because that hit a spot that was the truth and an area that never seems to heal!
After the death of my mother I begin to gravitate to people who saw me coming and wanted to wound me in any capacity that they could. I sought help but never seem to find it. It was in this season in the desert when I started seeing people for who they are and not what I wanted it to be.
I found myself associating with people I didn’t care for but I was around them anyway. They were just as messed up as I was…but I sought comfort because we could only connect in negative areas. They didn’t want growth they were too busy nursing issues that they too fail to address themselves. The truth was no one wanted better but kept their foot on me in some capacity this hindered my growth and productivity in life. I allowed human parasites to eat away in my life…
The harsh reality was I had dealt with so much jealousy, prejudices and racist people . I lost count and became desensitize at some point. But it reflected in other areas of my life.
The pain of being a loner in isolation grew me up, This in turned made me who I am today. Love me or leave me attitude. I refuse to spend my life grieving over what others have missed. I couldn’t trust any of them, they pretended to care for me and then the moment of their agenda arrived harshly! I had to learn to cut it off!!!
I had to wake up and look at things the way that it was. There was no ” real support system so, instead I had attach my life to people I thought loved me back… The reality was I was that they really didn’t like me!. There was so many things that I ignored because the truth was painful… I was always looking over their mess and making excuses. Until something happened to me that changed my life I believe forever…. I met someone who loved me and cared for me and introduced me to loving myself. My guards stayed up, there was no agenda. Just genuine love! This person, showed me so much “genuine” love I didn’t know how to take it.
Although many find it hard to believe what I have come out of… my life was HARD. A lot hasn’t changed with people even about the jealous woman today… I am the one that changed! That’s where it has to begin and where it has to end!
After we turn a certain age… our body does what it does. How many times I have been rumored to have had plastic work done, everywhere? If you let the gossipers tell it…Everything is fake… I know it might crush many hearts. I haven’t a thing done and it’s all natural. The competition within insecure people is often to get built up on the negativity of others, so they seek someone who they can suck the life out of. Some people find comfort in more misery… and pulling others down with ill speech and negativity.
Toxic people contaminates anything they do and wherever they go. Sometimes you can’t see how bad it is until the right moment is ripe and their true colors come shining through. I have had too many life lessons about staying true to the truth no matter what. It’s difficult and its challenging but in the end if you don’t make the right decisions you become infiltrated with “bitterness, or what if’s…. Every decision I make is on purpose and assessing the damages of why I should get out and move on! This can only happen when you respect and love yourself!
When I get alone it’s because I need it and I want it. If someone chooses to love that’s fine and if they chooses to come against me I can’ t go there. There is a season when it’s time to shut out the negative surroundings, prune and regroup your footing to go higher in another dimension. Isolation when it’s done right isn’t the worst thing in the world. When you study to be quiet, then you can actually can make sound decisions without the interference of others. There will be time in the isolation chamber is a place when God can fine tune the things our flesh often miss.
Isolation isn’t bad when it’s cut the blood supply to the blood suckers that propose a threat to your very being. Why some people can take in all that confusion is beyond me. I just know it’s not healthy because negative spirits influence good manner and good communications. Some people can thrive unless there is a bunch of drama and a bunch of noise. After you reach certain levels in your life rich or poor there should be some evidence of maturity. Jealousy and desperation are bad combinations.
Sometimes feeling lonely, and desperation will make you choose bad people and make bad decisions in a temporary state of being disconnected from reality and the truth. I had to honestly realize that everyone doesn’t love me, and everyone isn’t going to be apart of me and or is my family. I am very careful of what I affiliate myself with and call it love. As human beings we get so desperate for money, power, fake friendships and even intimate relationships and we lose our sense of self and dignity.
It’s in this place where you and God make the decision…stay or walk away!